What If?
What if I can’t?
What If I can?
What I should be thinking
Is it in God’s plan?

What if I couldn’t?
What if I could?
Then I start to wonder
If I really should?

What if I wouldn’t?
What if I would?
What would I do,
If others really understood?

What if, I am beautiful,
Just as I am.
That a scale means nothing,
When talking to a human.

What if, I am worthy of love,
Just by being alive
What if,
I don’t have to prove myself
Or feel ashamed to cry?

What if,
By some chance,
All my negative thoughts were wrong.
That I am free to sing and dance,
That I am not weak or strong.

What if, I did not make excuses,
I simply threw them out the door.
What if, I started getting honest,
and I started at my core.

What If…

When I am living in the present,
there is no reason for me to fear,
the what if’s that surround me
and the negativity that is near.

When I am in the here and now
and take some time to breathe,
I realize that anything is possible,
as long as I believe.

Personal Reflection: What do I see? Today’s Date:

Step 1 : Look at yourself in the mirror for 5 seconds.

Step 2: Write down/Reflect on the following:

A. What positive adjective do I think of when I say my name or look at myself in the mirror?

_______________________________________

B. What are 5 things I like about myself

1. ____________________________________

2. ____________________________________

3. ____________________________________

4. ____________________________________

5. ____________________________________

C. What are 5 things I am good at? (Hobbies etc.)

1. ______________________________________

2. ______________________________________

3. ______________________________________

4. ______________________________________

5. _______________________________________

D. What are 2 challenges/obstacles that I am facing in my life.

1. ______________________________________ 2. _____________________________

What steps can I take to overcome them?

1. ______________________________________2. ______________________________

E. What is my legacy? How do I want to be remembered?

______________________________________________________________________________

Personal Reflection: What do I see? (One Year Later) Today’s Date:

Step 1 : Look at yourself in the mirror for 5 seconds.

Step 2: Write down/Reflect on the following:

A. What positive adjective do I think of when I say my name or look at myself in the mirror?

_______________________________________

B. What are 5 things I like about myself

1. ____________________________________

2. ____________________________________

3. ____________________________________

4. ____________________________________

5. ____________________________________

C. What are 5 things I am good at? (Hobbies etc.)

1. ______________________________________

2. ______________________________________

3. ______________________________________

4. ______________________________________

5. _______________________________________

D. What are 2 challenges/obstacles that I am facing in my life.

1. ______________________________________ 2. _____________________________

What steps can I take to overcome them?

1. ______________________________________2. ______________________________

E. What is my legacy? How do I want to be remembered?

_____________________________________________________________________________

(Have your answers changed? How?)

What am I going to do with my life? Who do I want to be? Ultimately, in the end, all I can be is me. Reaching up to the stars and picking out my dreams, The fog I see in front of me is clearing and I can see. See the world around me and the light that is up ahead, I can see my beaming new self, as the old me I am beginning to shed.

Scene: I am sitting in a chair pretending to work and my body comes in and sits next to me.

Me: Hey, Who are you? Why are you here?( Irritated)

My Body: I’m your body – nice to meet you. (Happy – shakes hands)

Me: Ok -you answered the first question – Now, Why are you here? (Frustrated)

My Body: Well, I just thought I would stop by – I haven’t seen you in a while and I thought we could chat.

Me: I don’t have time now -I am busy (annoyed)

My Body: What are you busy doing? (eager to get involved)

Me: If you must know I am working on an assignment for class. Well, actually I am procrastinating. (irritated)

My Body: What is your assignment about? Can I help? (interested)

Me: NO!!!! (mad)

My Body: Why not? (concerned)

Me: Because, the assignment is about you! Are you happy now? (angered)

My Body: If the assignment is about me, then I should get to help, you owe me that much. (frustrated)

Me: What do you mean, I owe you? (mad)

My Body: Let’s see (pause) You let people laugh at me, you treated me badly, you covered me up, you were not proud of me… Do you need more?

Me: No, No I get the point – I am proud of you ok- Now, will you go away?

My Body: NO!!! You have ignored me long enough. We have lost a lot of years and anyway, you used to be so much fun. (mad and frustrated)

Me: Oh yea, When was that? (irritated)

My Body: When you were a little girl and you played dress up and went roller skating. (concerned)

Me: Well, I am not a little girl anymore. (angered)

My Body: Yea, I have noticed, (frustrated)

Me: What is that supposed to mean? (angered)

My Body: Oh -Nothing (gives up)

Me: Come on, tell me, I am listening, I promise. (interested)

My Body: It is just that you are so concerned about covering me up and trying to make there be less of me that you don’t even notice how beautiful I am. (frustrated)

Me: Yea, I notice, I just don’t like to make a big deal about you. (lowers head)

My Body: You are ashamed of me! (angered, raise voice a bit)

Me: I am not! (defensive)

My Body: Then why, may I ask, did you try to cover me up when you started showing me off to people? (frustrated)

Me: That was my first time showing you off. I was scared, but it has gotten easier. (hopeful)

My body: Yea, you still hurry and put on your sweatshirt when you get uncomfortable. (still a bit frustrated)

Me: People whistle at you (scared)

My Body: Yea, and your point? (puzzled)

Me: I was embarrassed for you and I wanted to protect you. (concerned)

My Body: Why did you want to protect me? (puzzled)

Me: What if a young man thought you were beautiful enough to talk to and come over? (worried)

My Body: I would stand there looking beautiful and you would talk to him. (confident)

Me: What would I say? I am not very interesting. What if I talk too much? What if he comes over and says “Forget it, you are not worth it.” (really worried)

My Body: Then it would be his loss. (consoling)

Me: Why do you like to show your self off anyway? (questioning look)

My Body: Have you missed the point of the whole conversation?? (a bit irritated)

Me: Apparently! (angered and upset)

My Body: There is nothing I need to be ashamed of, and you should not be ashamed for being with me. ( a bit defensive)

Me: Even after the way I treated you?

My Body: We all make mistakes and the good thing is that you are building me back up. (excited)

Me: I am trying, it is not easy though. ( concerned)

My Body: I know, I haven’t bitten anyone’s head off in a while and I have more energy. When you get to know me better then you can show me off more. (encouraging)

Me: You sound so confident – What is there to show off ? (shy and scared)

My Body: Please, Have you seen me?? (Enthusiastic, confident, stand up and show the audience and “Me”, then sit back down) To start off, my eyes, they shine when you are proud of me and my smile lights up a room. (excited)

Me: Ok – I will give you that much. (not real excited, bummed out)

My Body: My hands have built things, showed compassion, comfort and they are used for playing and driving. My legs too, so muscular and powerful. I like to use them to play. (proud)

Me: I like your legs too. (a bit of a smile)

My Body: That’s the you I used to know! ( sigh of relief)

Me: Ok, what else? ( interested)

My Body: Well, my arms are strong and I am able to hug people and lift small children. Then, there is my stomach, it helps me work so I can be here with you. (confident)

Me: Aren’t you worried about your stomach getting fat? (concerned)

My Body: No, the food you give me is for energy, it helps me run. The more we talk and understand each other you will know what I need. (reassuring)

Me: You have anything else to be proud of? (wondering) My Body: I AM BEAUTIFUL! (proud)

Me: Yea, what if they tell you that you Look beautiful? (concerned)

My Body: I say thank you. (very confident)

Me: Ok, you made your point. ( attitude says “you win”)

My Body: Since we are becoming friends, can I tell you something? (talking normal)

Me: ok – go ahead (sounding tired)

My Body: We have to work on making mistakes. ( talking normal with a bit of emphasis on making mistakes)

Me: Um, Why? (with attitude)

My body: Because, when you work to be perfect I get sick. (stating a fact)

Me: I am sorry, I don’t mean to, It is just the way I have always been. (apologetic)

My Body: And, you have listened to ED for how many years? (questioning)

Me: 21 (shy)

My Body: I rest my case. (confident)

Me: If I am not perfect, then who am I? (worried and scared)

My Body: You mean, who are we? We are healthy and happy. I am no longer controlled by you and you are no longer controlled by ED. (encouraging)

Me: I am sorry I have ignored you for so long. (apologetic)

My Body: I am too. We will work together and you will become proud of me. (encouraging)

Me: Because, You are beautiful! (proud) I am glad you came to visit. (thankful)

My Body: You are beautiful too. I am glad we got a chance to talk.

Me: We might have a bad day. (worried)

My Body: That is how we learn and grow. That is how we live. (encouraging)

Me: I am proud of you Body! My Body: I am proud of you too! (they hug)

Personal Reflection: My Body and Me

1. Take a minute and think about how you treat your body.

2. Do you take care of it? Ignore it? Hate it? Fight with it?

3. What is the first word you think of when you think of your body?

4. How would you feel if someone treated you that way?

Write a letter to your body, a story, a poem, a skit, draw a picture, make a collage, Jot down thoughts and feelings you have when it comes to your body. Then write a letter back -what would your body say back to you? My Body and Me…

Please ignore the aliens

They are taking over my brain

Impulses come and Impulses go

Hoping that my soul will still remain.

My soul is slowly dying

Remembering my past

The life and love I hold within

If only they would last.

The aliens within

Strip me of my Hope,

My Smile, My Strength, My Determination

I forget the tools to cope.

I know that I am worth the fight

I don’t like to admit

I can not do this on my own

As I reach up from this pit.

This pit of isolation

Desperation and Dispair

I want to find my inner strength

To grow and become aware.

Aware of possibilities,

A life where I am free

Free to Learn, Love and Live

A life where I can see.

My truth that comes from within

I can see my outer strength

Strength to reach out, for your support

I will go to any length.

You are stronger, than this monster

That works to control my brain

With your hand, support and truth,

My soul will still remain.

Note: The only way to keep the aliens from getting in is to reach out to others. Find the truth within yourself and you will find and love the “real you”. The real you that lives in your heart, deep within your soul, the you that wants to finally be free of fear, and of doubt. What will become of me, how will I survive, will I sink or will I swim, it might be easier just to dive.

Coming into alignment with my body and my heart’s desire is quite an adjustment.

I been having pain in my lower back forever -or so it felt – and so, when the massage therapist said “you got something out of wack with your spine woman” I decided that it was time. I went to a chiropractor- nervous with a tinge of fear – and he snapped,crackled and popped me. He said I had 4 discs out of alignment in my lower back, 4 in my neck and one of my ribs was out. Well -ok. And then I went back on Monday – I was gentle on myself over the weekend – and he did the same thing. I was sore and yet I felt so good.

Being in alignment has brought about a sense of clarity that I have never felt before. I stand up straight and no longer carry the world on my shoulders.

I realize how long I have lived my life out of alignment and let my little one know that this will take some time, just as being out of alignment became comfortable, so will being in alignment.

I walked into the chiropractor today and looked at him and asked him to be gentle. And he was -he said there are different modalities that work for different people and if this works -we will do this next week. Wow – asking for what I need – and he heard me. WhooHoo

In addition to clarity I have felt a sense of freedom. The energy in my body now has freedom to move up and down my spine -woosh -woosh.

I walk with more confidence and assurance, I have an opinion for the first time in years, and although others may not agree with my opinion, I am entitled to have one.

In addition to Clarity, and Freedom I am living in my true authentic Self, most of the time. Being authentic and living in truth is not necessarily the most comfortable thing to do either. People who used to see me one way are now adjusting to this new person that is awake and present.

I am having the opportunity to use my skills of giving and accepting effective feedback on a daily basis and reminding myself that “It is just information”.

I am also aware how much of the world does not perceive life the way I do and that when I say that my life is indeed about me -I have gotten feedback that we need to make sure we talk about serving others.

I thank them and let them know that I will take their thoughts into consideration.

My intention for my life: To live a Joy filled, Financially Abundant, balanced life in body, mind and spirit and to live with a sense of grace and ease. Key for my life now – Love my Self -No matter what -Take what I need and leave the rest.

When I am in alignment with my Self – I am in Alignment with Spirit.

How You Deal With The Issue Is The Issue

I wrote the title of this article as a reminder to myself.Eating Disorders are a way to “deal” with life instead of “Living” life.Life is not always going to be pretty and we may not always enjoy the process and yet we are the only one who are living our life. I used to hate it when someone would tell me that anything I did was a choice. I didn’t feel like I had a choice, especially over my eating disorder. And yet, here I am after healing a 24 year eating disorder saying the exact same thing.

Healing is choice. Suffering is a choice. Letting Go is a choice. Living a life filled with joy, compassion, hope and love is a choice. Living a life where you are able to love who you are, just as you are, in the moment, in your body and know that your family and friends love you just because you are you.

When I was in the middle of the healing process I didn’t understand why anyone would want to go through it. I kept thinking,” If this is recovery and healing then I will pass.” I kept going because I knew that healing myself was the best way to get my life back.

Do you feel as though you are in the grips of some invisible thing that tells you that you are not enough? That you need to be perfect? Do you want to give up your eating disorder for a better life and not sure how? Here are some tips from my experience:

1.How you deal with the issue is the issue.

2.You have all the inner resources you need inside yourself

3.Your life is about what you think of you –not about what anyone else thinks of you.

4.Love is the ultimate gift you can give yourself.

5.It is not about the Food – Food is fuel for your body.

6.Feelings are energy –let the energy flow –Cry, Laugh, Dance

7.Find someone you trust

8.Do something creative –PLAY

9.Dream BIG – Take steps to make your dreams come true

10Hold on to what you know to be true –YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT!

From Hell to Healing – A transformational journey and process through a 24-year eating disorder.

This is my transformational story and it is my intention to share it with the world.

The more we discuss the implications of eating disorders, their symptoms and behaviors; I find that we will get more of those same behaviors.

I feel that, after coming out on the other side of this transformational journey, we need to focus on empowerment and look at the messages we are sending to our children and all members of society -that we are not enough -that we need more – that there is someone outside of us that knows what is better for us than we do.

In conjunction with medical intervention, we need to spend funding on programs that empower individuals to become active participants in their own lives and learn how to listen to their bodies.

Eating Disorders are not about the food – as many have stated so many times before – they are about how we feel about ourselves as human beings,living on this planet.

Somewhere along the line being selfish and having self-care became construed and children were taught not to think about themselves.

Well-at the age of 36 -I am learning that my life is indeed about me -just like your life is about you and it is not until I learn to acknowledge and love all parts of myself will I be able to live a healthy life.

I say healthy -not thin. Health has nothing to do with numbers -I am 4′9and according to the BMI I should weigh 90lbs -well -I was a gymnast for 7 years when I was growing up and there is no way I will ever weigh90lbs -nor do I want to. I have dreams for my life -and those dreams no longer include weighing 90lbs. I no longer feel the need to wear the perfect size or be the perfect weight.

When I walk into the doctor and they ask me to step on the scale I simply say “I don’t do that -thank you anyway”

There are so many ways to decide whether or not someone is healthy.

What is the answer to eating disorders??

LOVE for myself as a human being -because somewhere I got the idea that I wasn’t enough.

I want the world to know my story and that Eating disorders are NOT pretty and there are so many who are suffering because they don’t fit the DSM IV criteria -I was told for a long time that I didn’t look likeI had an eating disorder – I was told to simply eat from all the food groups.

The individuals that made those suggestions to me were not in my chaotic mind with all the negativity swarming around -telling me that the world would be better off if I were dead.

Empowerment is the answer -taking an active role in our own lives and learning how to really listen to one another and to give one another the dignity of our own life journey and simply being with us.

That is just a glimpse of what I have to say in regards to eating disorders- I am very passionate about this topic because I have lived it and spent years having others tell me there was nothing they could do – or that “I didn’t look like I had an eating disorder” and in essence they were telling me to get over it.

Eating disorders are not something to get over -they are something to be embraced with love. When we love the parts inside us that hurt -the healing process can begin.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.

Blessings-

Mary Pat

Mary Pat Nally -Founder/Facilitator
Learn, Lead and Serve
Experiential Leadership Consulting
LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE!
Toll Free -1-800-801-7132
learnleadandserve@yahoo.com
www.authenticallyme.com
Author of::Reflecting Grace: How one woman found life on a quest to outrun her eating disorder -Available on Amazon.com

You are not alone

10/20/07 Interview -You Are Not Alone Support Letter

Tell us a bit about yourself.(ie. age, where you live,married, children, hobbies, education, etc – whatever you feel like sharing).

My name is Mary Pat and I am 36 years old,happily single and I currently reside in Oxnard, California. I moved from Youngstown,OH in 2004 and have called CA home ever since. Before coming to CA I taught High School Religion in a Catholic High school, prior to teaching I served as a retreat facilitator at La Salle Manor retreat center in Plano, IL. We facilitated overnight retreats for junior/seniors in High School from Chicago and its surrounding areas.

I received my BA in Religious studies fromThe University of Dayton in Ohio and then shortly afterwards continued on toreceive my Masters Degree in Experiential Education from Mankato stateUniversity –what is now referred to as Minnesota state-Mankato Branch.Currently I am perusing my second Masters degree in Spiritual psychology fromthe University of Santa Monica.

One of my great loves is to be of service.This passion has brought me to Sierra Leone, South East Alaska, Pittsburgh PA,Washington DC, and North Canton OH just to name a few. In the past I felt as though my service to others was what I was meant to do with my life. Whenever I was of service to others I felt good about myself and felt as though I was worthy to be alive and take up space on this planet.

During the last year and my time at The University of Santa Monica I have come to realize that it is not until I fully am able to be of service to myself, will I be able to fully be of service to others.

Ask most children what they love to do –they would probably say PLAY. Play and laughter is what makes my life so full ofjoy. I feel as though I spent so many years not allowing my spirit the freedom to run wild. Whatever I am doing I make a conscious choice to make time to play. Whether it be taking a walk, playing on the beach, blowing bubbles,playing with play dough, singing, dancing, laughing or whatever I FEEL like doing –I do.

In addition to play I have a great new passion for taking gentle care of myself and loving my body. I get massages,take bubble bathes, go swimming, go to my doctor/dentist when I need to, I read, watch movies by myself and with good friends, I let myself laugh, cry or have whatever emotion I am having at the time.

So far I have shared my passion for service,play and loving myself. Another love that has kept me alive for so many years is my love of writing. Whether it be poetry or short stories, I allow myself up into a deeper sense of who I really am.

Ultimately It is my intention to step into who I am and not what I think others want me to be. It is also my intention to live a life that is balanced in Body, Mind, Spirit and Financially abundant. I believe in myself and that I have all the answers I need to move forward in my life. The one thing I have come to understand throughout my journey that has brought me to a place of transformation in my healing journey is my own power of choice. I will come back to that a bit later. First, I would like to discuss when I first started my Eating Disorder journey.

When did your struggles with eating disorders begin(i.e. when, how)

I am sure my thought process started much earlier although the first time I remember have “Eating Disordered” thoughts was when I was twelve. Hmm. Nice age twelve. I was taking a gymnastics class at the Y andthen was asked if I would like to be part of a gymnastics team that they were starting.

Now, before I go any further, It is not my intention to put blame on anyone, this is just the journey.

I also recall going to the doctor with my sister when I was twelve and being put on the scale. My Sister, my two brothers and I all have a parathyroid imbalance which makes it difficult for my bones to absorb calcium, to assist me in growing to an average height to keep my body at an average weight. I believe average is overrated –kind of link being “Normal”.I heard that the doctor was putting me in a box and telling me what I was going to be the rest of my life, and I, being the rebel that I am, not quite, decided that I was going to prove him wrong.

I remember going home one day and telling my parents that I was going to go on a diet. And I feel like “That’s all she wrote”.It started from there, I became self –conscious of how I looked, who was watching me when I ate, and I became nervous, worried, and afraid of everyone and everything.I didn’t want to be short. I was teased all the time and felt as though I was unable to defend myself. I was told how“cute” I was and they feel that it was their right to pinch my cheeks and pat my head like a little dog. If I couldn’t control how people treated me then at least I could control how I treated me and no one was going to take that away from me.

I promised myself that although I may be short for the rest of my life I was never going to be fat. I did everything in my power to make that true, up to the point where I would rather take my own life than be fat. To think that I let a comment that was made 23-24 years ago have that much power over my life to prove one person wrong.

Note:It is nice to have an opportunity to recall these events without blame attached and be in a place of loving for myself and what an awesome person I have become as I have gone through the process.

How long did you suffer from eating disorders before you told someone/before someone noticed. How did your parents react when they found out/when you told them?

To be honest with you, for many years I didn’t want anyone to find out and when Idid I felt as though no one really believed me.My eating disorder was more like a friend for me and I really wasn’t willing to let it go until I felt as though I was safe.

When I was growing up I used to watch the after school specials and the lifetime movies about eating disorders. I would research them and read books on them. No one really paid any attention because that was just the way I was, I liked drama.One time there was a dinner where I didn’t eat anything and someone asked if I was trying to starve myself and I realized that if I was going to keep my new friend then I needed to keep it a secret.I just watched what I ate –all the time. Then I would sneak out into the garage and eat more. I never did anything to the extreme because I didn’t want the attention and on the other hand there was a part inside of me that so desperately wanted someone to tell me that I was ok. After I graduated High School I started working at a Summer Camp where I knew I was going to be safe. I could eat and then walk and exercise it off.I became over-committed and got sick quite often. My friends never believed me when I said that I was ok. It was annoying. I was freezing cold when it was hot outside and I worked myself non-stop. When I was in college I was under the impression that I hid it well, oh, not so well. People asked me about my food and yet again I told them I was fine. In the meantime I was writing poetry that said otherwise. I was listening to suicidal tendencies and thinking that the closer I got to God the better I would feel about myself.

After my best friend was killed in a tragic car accident I did everything in my power to pretend it never happened. Oh –yea –I went through the funeral thing – and then went right back to work. And then after college I moved 21 times in seven years and with each move my eating disorder emerged in one way or another. You see, I never did anything to the extreme and so that meant that I was ok. I only did it for a little bit there for I won’t hurt myself. Anyway I never wanted to really hurt myself – I just didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling. Everyone else always seemed happy –so I did what they did. With each move came a new coping mechanismor a nice combo – Starving, over-exercising, drinking, pain killers, enemas,laxatives, binging, getting on the scale 10x a day and whatever else I could think of that wouldn’t bring attention to myself.

The one thing I never did was make myself purge by vomiting because in my head that would bring too much attention and there were always too many people around and that would mean that I actually had an eating disorder – (Yea –I know –not real rational –is it) I wanted to keep my eating disorder so I told myself that I didn’t have an eating disorder.

In2003, I was at a cousins wedding and I was sharing what I knew about water pills and laxatives because one of my cousins couldn’t fit into her dress for the wedding. (I am from a HUGE family) and my other cousins wife is a doctor and she was with us and Said “ Should I be hearing this?” Afterwards we were at dinner and I asked the same cousin (dress) if I was going to blow up if I ate the desert. She looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I said sure.

The couple years prior, when I was in IL, I decided to talk to a therapist and couple of them said the following “What am I supposed to do for you?”, “You don’t have an eating disorder, you just need to work on self esteem”. So, I learned that I needed to watch who I said what to and how serious I was about getting help.

So,after the wedding, I emailed my cousin and she said that I might want to talk to her mom, and I though she told her mom about it, the only thing she said was that I was not happy. I spilled my guts and then everyone started to worry. My aunt simply said that maybe I wasn’t ready to deal with the tough stuff- Mind you, this was in 2003 –she doesn’t recall the statement –I recall everything. So, I thought “I’ll show her, I can deal with the tough stuff just as well as anyone else” and so, since I had insurance, I called around and went to an inpatient center for 30 days.

I pretended that I was always happy and always had my life together. I worked ona checklist that when I did X,Y and Z then I would be happy. I guess I did not realize how deep the feelings actually went and in order to heal I had to bring those up. I was under the impression that I would go in- fix myself and life would be great, grand and wonderful. Um. No such luck.

I wanted to prove to the world that I didn’t need anyone or anything and that I could do this recovery thing on my own. So I appeared that I had my life together when I was actually falling apart inside. I was even pretending to myself. I wanted to be healed –I just wasn’t sure who I would be without my eating disorder and what would happen if I was actually happy. Would people still want to be around me if I was not “Sick”???

What was your turning point? How did you get started in your recovery and healing journey?

My turning point came when I was able to be honest with myself. Recovery was always a goal in my life –something to be attained. I wasn’t sure what I believed about recovery –some people believe that we are always in recovery, others believe that we can indeed be recovered.I wasn’t sure what I believed so it was easier for me to stay in it.

When I entered the University of Santa Monica to pursue my Masters in Spiritual Psychology I did I did it because it looked like fun. It was my intention that this program would catapult me into recovery. I have a tendency to dance around the topics that are most important to me and never really get to the core issue. I wanted to drop the games and get rid of my eating disorder once and for all. I was tired of all the sayings and all the cliché’s, I knew what my therapist would tell me.

What was the turning point? LOVE!!! I was in a room with 247 people who had nothing but love for me. There were/are no barriers. I could be myself. I could open up and let my emotions go. I became real , for the first time. There was no façade.I was brutally honest with my therapist and told her what I was really feeling and thinking. She loved/loves me so much that that very day I went into the hospital for depression and my eating disorder. I am very blessed because my therapist was also my dietcian at my first inpatient treatment center, so she knew my tricks. There were alsopeople at the hospital who knew me from my first inpatient experience. My biggest fear going into the hospital was that I was going to have to give up my sleeping pills, the enemas and the binging. What was left? Restricting and Compulsive Exercising. My therapist told the people about me, so I had to stay in view for a half hour after meals,although they did let me walk the halls, I was pretty happy. I was sitting on a couch attempting to eat breakfast and I was almost in tears. That was the day that I wanted to die rather than eat and I do believe that was my turning point. How did this Eating disorder turn on me? They kept me in ICU one more day and said I could go to the next level when I ate lunch. I sat at lunch and cried over my PB and J sandwich.

Astime went on – I got tired of my eating disorder behaviors and realized thatthey weren’t serving me. The day I got out of the hospital I found out that there was a major layoff in our company and that I had had been let go. I was learning to sit and be with myself and my emotions – the healing continues…

Did you have times where you thought you’d never overcome your struggles?(the point of this question is that I meet so many people who may believe in recovery, but come up with all these reasons why recovery is NOT possible for them… and with this question I’d like to address that, in case that makes sense)

I definitely had my moments where I though I was at the bottom of the barrel and I believe that it happened when I gave up and though about taking my life. I though that I had heard people talk about recovery and how great it is. I kept thinking, if this is what recovery feels like then I don’t want it.

I had to think of reasons why I wanted to live. My life had to be about me. Not everyone needs to go into the hospital for this to happen.I changed my thought from Recovery to healing–Recovery seemed like a place I had to work hard at and fight to reach and healing seemed to me to be a gentle process where I could give my hurts to someone else and allow my tears to come up as a way to clean out my wounded heart.

Isee an eating disorder as a wounded heart because I feel that I pushed my love and spirit further and further down until I didn’t even know it was there and I felt empty inside. The key is to put myself in a safe space where I can just be me and not do anything.After 23-24years I have learned that it is ok to love myself and be proud of who I am and that my past does not dictate my present. I have also learned to TRUST –I had to just let my heart burst open with all its emotions and trust that those around me will be able to love me through it all.

What has helped you most during your recovery?

LOVE – LOVE and yes you guessed it –LOVE

Being surrounded by those who love me and who I can trust enough to be myself no matter what that looks like.

What advice do you have for individuals struggling with eating disorders?

Not advice –Thoughts for your consideration

• Become aware of your thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, friendships, food, fears etc. and how much time and energy you put into each thing.
• Become aware of what life might look like if you made the choice to embrace and heal your eating disorder? Not fighting but finding what hurts and heal it.
• Become aware of what you want more of in your life – freedom, passion, love, money, How can you go about getting it? What experiences do you want from it? Keep asking yourself these questions see what comes up for you.
• What beliefs are holding you back from the idea of recovery?
• If you knew someone who was going through the same thing you are, what would you say to them?
• Make a collage of what you see Recovery/Healing looking like for you.
• What choices do you make on an every day basis?
• What would you do if fear was not an issue? DREAM BIG!!!
• What is stopping you?

What advice do you have for parents whose children have an eating disorder?

Thoughts for your consideration

• LOVE your children – You can show your love through notes, prayer, hugs/if they are ok with it
• Have a strong support system- Body –Mind and Spirit
• BE with your child – See the love within your child
• AFFIRM your child
• CREATE with your child
• HEAR your child – Listento your child with your heart – if you can say anything – “I hear you and I hear what you are saying”
• Find the Support you need to stay healthy for you.

You write wonderful poems. What part does writing(especially writing poetry) does have in your life and how has it helped you during your recovery?

My writing takes me into another dimension where criticism and jugement are not present. My poetry and stories allow my creativity to come alive and I can be whoever and whatever I want.

Tell us a bit about your book “Reflecting Grace – How One Woman Found Life On A Quest To Outrun Her Eating Disorder”, that you published in early 2005.(ie.why you wrote it, what it is about, how was it for you to write it,feedback you received , — ie. someone read your book and got so much out of it, that was their turning point, etc).

Reflecting Grace is a compilation of poems from different points in my life. Service, Community,Family, Recovery etc. I wanted to get my poetry outside of myself. God was telling me to put it out there and so I did, not knowing what would come of it.This publication was an affirmation to me and my my writing ability. I have to be honest that it has not been until recently that I have been able to step outside my comfort zone and tell others about it without feeling as though Iwas being self centered. I am getting accustomed to the compliments that I have received in regards to how my book has given others inspiration to write theirown book.Reflecting Grace can be found on Amazon.com and if anyone knows of a bookstore open to carrying Print On Demand books –I would greatly appreciate your support in getting the word outto the public.

You are working on a new book right now, tell us a bit about it.(ie. what is it about, when does it come out, etc).

I am in the process of writing my second book which is entitled from Hell into Healing – a journey through a 24 year eating disorder. This book will be more of an in depth look at my journey of healing through story, activities, and poetry. I am hoping for it to come out in the spring or fall of 2008. If anyone out there knows of a publisher / individuals to give me testimonials I would greatly appreciate it.

Tell us about your Company “Learn, Lead and Serve –Experiential Leadership Consulting”

Learn, Lead and Serve’s mission is to empower individuals of all ages to become active participants in their own lives. This is done through classroom activities, speaking presentation, corporate teambuilding and leadership programs.

What is the “Authentically Me” program?

Authentically Me empowers students to love who they are inside and out. It looks at focus topics such as Awareness, Belief and Choice. How they can have a real positive impact on their environment and how they have the power of choice in any given situation.

You can find more information atwww.authenticallyme.com

How do you see your future? What are your goals.

My dream is to Go Global with the Empowerment and Leadership piece. It is my intention that we empower students of all ages to make choices and become the leaders that are inside of them. And to let them know that they are so much more that what we see in their body.

I WANT TO EMPOWER EVERY ONE AROUND THE WORLD TO LET THEIR SPIRIT OUT AND LET THEIR LIGHT SHINE!!!!!

Spirit’s Song

Verse 1:

I am taking time with Spirit

Taking time with me

Waking up to my divinity

I am opening my eyes to see

Verse 2:

See the glory of the day

Listening for Spirit to teach

I thought I heard dear Spirit say

That my dreams are within my reach

Chorus:

Oh, my sweet, sweet child

You are graced with a loving heart

Let that love go, crazy and wild

For you are a work of art

Verse 3:

The universe has its beauty

The earth, sea and sky

You are filled with an eagle’s beauty

It is time for you to fly

Verse 4:

Spread your wings wide open

Soaring so all can see

Wherever you are, Whatever you do

You are magnificent reflection of me

(Chorus)

Verse 5:

It is time to land, on solid ground

Let us walk along the shore

Grace and ease is the way of life

With loving at our core

Verse 6:

The core of all humanity

The truth in who we are

Shine your light, so all can see

Your Spirit from afar

(Chorus)

Copyright 2007 Mary Pat Nally